So much for being happy with my life. . . now, I am lucky to have any feelings about it. And logical thought regarding my emotional or mental status went out the window with any faith I had in the human race when part of ANY organized entity. HMOs, hospitals, police, churches, public schools, mental health organizations, the government, politicians, non-profits. . . FUCK THEM ALL. "Yippy-Ki-I-A, MuthaFux!"
I have experienced firsthand how the many systems have failed me & my children, the last of which has scarred me almost to the point of hating everyone & everything again. Damnit!!!it took me & Christ a billion years to shed that skin.
I know I must still love people on an individual level, though, because I stopped on my walk home from the WinCo & shared my groceries with the homeless band of men that sleep from bridge to bridge. I've come to know them & consider a few of them my friends. I know that if someone was giving me grief, my trolls will take care of business. Be nice to the homeless, people; it has fared me well both in the past &will in the future.
As most people with any type of mental diagnosis, I have learned to disguise it well. That's why I love acting so much. It may sound cliche to non-thespians, but it's a deep, emotional ride for actors. I can channel my energies into a character. It's also why I like advocating for things I find important because I can channel my emotions & passions into changing laws (I was one of the original people that proposed the Reunification of Families Act in Washington State, & I was an active, founding member of the Kelso Downtown Revitalization Association (KDRA). I can "perform" my daily duties with a smile on my face thanks to my natural mother's "persuasion" to participate in beauty pageants throughout the US. I was a toddler in a tiara, but I never felt like I had to do it. I liked it. I didn't have to win. It was fun. It taught me to smile & be especially friendly towards men as they showed far more attention & gave a lot more money than the women. It was the 1970s, so men still controlled most of the money, too.
Today, I am still scared to go outside, but I am venturing more & more. I am trying to digest everything that happened from December 26, 2016 to now, & I feel like I'm drowning in tragedy, lessons, loneliness, & unconditional love. It's messy & complicated. There were two supportive people there for me for the duration, but they refuse public acknowledgement. I really love them. I'm trying to blog about it as it seems no one is hearing me, per usual!!! -- with the exception of these two people.
